osu!, its my favorite game! i love how the game works, its mechanics, its complexity, the diffspikes, everything about it makes me feel right at home!
so then, why do i use this game as a.. coping.. mechanism...?
in short, i feel unwell at times. very unwell. i use stuff that can distract me from this reality and osu! just so happens to be one of my go-to's. the reason as to why is because ive played this game for a pretty significant chunk of my life. but theres also other reasons.
mainly, i have games sorted depending on my mood, if i want to relax, i play minecraft, if i want to be competitive, i play counter strike, and if i want to cope or fuel my addiction, i play osu. its really simple, but also helps a lot depending on my mental state, not always am i happy nor am i the best i can be, but i generally want to stay happy and be nice to everyone, because thats just kinda what i do.
in a way though, i kinda stopped using it as a coping mechanism, and now try to get actual help instead of hiding my thoughts away, and to be honest, this journey should have been easy, right?
no. no it wasnt.
ive struggled with depression since i was eight due to my diagnosis of a cronic diesease since my pancreas thought it was funny to just not produce insulin anymore. there would be moments where i would try to find comfort with others or with basic things, but i would be met with circumstances that made it hard, if not impossible to work. i would kinda just stay in my room and look at a ceiling or at my monitors without saying anything at times, just wondering why it keeps getting harder and harder to stay composed.
on top of that, gender dysphoria didnt help whatsoever. i feel like im out of my body at times and that i dont belong in the place i currently am. i just want to feel happy and like myself, but my body and mind are making it harder to do so constantly, and i cant really do much about it since im a minor!! isnt that fun?
i think in a way the thing that lead me to seek actual help, open up, and stop using osu as a mechanism was the suicide of my best friend. losing him was like losing a huge part of me, and i dont think i have recovered or ever been the same since acknowleding that he was gone. it didnt help that others used that event as a way to distance themselves or say that they never cared about him. ive had to learn self-restraint because of it, because a revenge for my pain just isnt worth chasing after.
in a way, i just dont feel like noelle. i dont feel like myself because of my constant mental scramble, and i want to have a space to find myself and not be worried about anything. as time goes on though, i feel like i have less and less of a space, but maybe someday itll be fine.
in a way, considering all this mess and turmoil i have to deal with, im still a long ways from recovering. my next steps would obviously be mental help from a professional, but i dont want to open up to a therapist unfortunately.
i really appreciate anyone helps me, listens to me, or is just there for me whenever i need it, especially sat for listening to all my gay yaps and shitty lows, and for being a role model and a kinda brother that i didnt have, along with all my german friends who i can be open with, and learn german with (alles du komm cs2 jetzt <3). i think one of these days ill be able to repay the favor of you guys dealing with all my stuff.
osu! is fun, but in moderation. using it as a coping mechanism isnt recommended, but whatever suits you will suit you. just dont get delusional by all the anime girls in this game.
or do, who knows, maybe someday i can find someone that loves me, or someone that i can lean on, and someone who can lean on me when they need it the most.